In moments like this, I wish I could take all the worry I'll ever feel, away. In moments like this, I wish I could tell my mind that; that thing, that next thing that gets me going down that spiral, is going to work out. And actually believe it. And have that sick, anxious feeling, subside immediately. Because it's moments like these, that I realize, it really will be ok.
You know, people tell me. I'm anxious or the hearts palpitating or I can't catch my full breath and everyone always tell me; "it's going to be ok." This will pass. You're going to be ok. And while I appreciate that love, advice and support more than one might know, it rarely ever stops my heart from racing. It unfortunately never stops my stomach from churning. It doesn't clear the passage way for breath. Sometimes, although it comes from a beautiful place, it even constricts me more. It makes me more anxious. Anxious that I am getting anxious over a situation that I "SHOULDN'T" be anxious over. Am I a drama queen? Why do I allow myself to feel this way? Why do I disrupt others lives with my issues, when I don't have any "REAL" issues to "worry" about? I have a roof over my head, I have food, I have water, I have family, I have friends, I have a successful business, I have so much to be grateful for. It's a never ending list, so WHY do I get like this? I then get angry. And the cycle continues.
I'm learning, slowly but surely, that while I may feel as though I "have it all," and I have no reason to have these lows, the pain and suffering is real. Wherever it comes from, for whatever reason, it is real and it is difficult. It is real and it is ok to feel in its entirety. It is real and it's ok to not be ok. It is real, and whether it happens in public, with family, with friends or completely alone, it's there and there is no magic pill or word to make it any less. It is real and most importantly, the more I resist, the more I fight: the longer it stays and the more frequently it comes.
Sometime's there are big issues in my life, big hurdles that I have to jump over, and usually, it's funny, with these hurdles, I jump and I clear the fence 9 times out of 10 with GRACE. Near death incidents? Loss? Serious illness? I am strong. I hold it together. I feel it, but I keep it at bay.
For me, it's the little things that get me. And they GET me. It's being overdrawn in my bank account and only thinking about be-lining it to the bank to fix the mistake. It's applying for a credit card, and wondering all week if I will be accepted. It's thinking about what I want for breakfast, and wondering if I'll feel ok or sick after eating. It's scheduling a class for the first time and wondering if it will be successful. It's waking up and having 3 people ask to make plans that evening and trying to figure out how to be in 3 places at once, because I can't bare to let three people down. It's charging friends or family for classes or privates when I feel my time isn't worth taking their money. It's these little choices that make me a different person. They have the ability to take me from up high to down low in a matter of moments.
There are very few moments that I feel completely relieved, but when the relief comes, its huge.
It's the difference between a good day, and a bad day for me.
It's the biggest breath of fresh air I can ever explain.
It's the sun literally showing face after 10 days of pure overcast.
Isn't that completely bonkers?
That I know it will all be ok now, in this moment, but in those moments of complete and utter exhausted frustration, I am no where near understanding that relief will come at all?
There was a time in my life when a person, not every close to me personally, but someone I had known all of my life, committed suicide. It was years since I spoke to them. We didn't have the same friend group, we graduated high school and we rarely saw each other. I heard the news and of course, I was in a state of shock. Someone you know all of your life, gone in a matter of moments. Loss has never sat well with me, but to be completely honest, I was not new to it. I have had grandparents close to me pass, I have had friends pass, I have known of countless people pass in this little town. I have even known of a few who regrettably, took the same road as this one friend in particular. I have attended more wakes/funerals than weddings + christenings combined. And usually, surprisingly, in those moments, I hold it together, without even allowing a tear to escape my eyes.
The reason I bring this up, is because this one death affected me in a way that I had never really experienced. I attended the wake, to see photos of all of us together as children, and then to see this person, and their family. It hit me then. In that moment. The sadness. Then the overwhelming grief. The tears. The understanding but the incomprehensible feeling. The feeling of having no idea exactly where he was in his life that forced him to make this choice, but the understanding of the moments of immense pain. Not physical - but mental, emotional, spiritual. The connection. It was knowing what it feels like to feel like there is no way out of that place in your mind. And that cut deep for me in that moment. For me, it's anxiety, its the loss of breath, the sick stomach, the heart palpitations. Maybe for him it was the depression. The uncontrollable and overpowering heartache. Or maybe it came as apathy. Whatever it was for him, I felt it entirely in those days following his death. I didn't know why it affected me the way it did, until I realized, it was because in one way or another, I have been in the place where you feel so out of control. So sad, lost, or anxious, and you don't know when, how or if it'll subside. I allowed myself to feel that heartache. I felt it for him, for his family, for his close friends, for anyone going through was I was going through.
The pain taught me a lesson that day. Truthfully, it teaches me lessons every time. During the moments that I come out of that place, the moments I feel relief, or even the moments that I may not, it teaches me what I want to do with this one precious and wild life. It speaks to me. It tells me that my purpose today and everyday is to aim to take others, and myself, out of that place. But really lift them up from the most genuine place in my heart. Teach them to breath. Teach them to move their body in a way that is a release. Take a weight off. Perhaps the reason I love teaching + coaching. (I am a Yoga/Pilates instructor + Certified Health Coach.) It is my way of helping others - which makes me personally happy. But it's also reminding myself of that, even if they don't attend class. That's the hard part. Day to day, sit with people. Get to know them. Allow them the comfort of knowing that you are not alone. Write it out. Send it in a text, email or blog. Write a letter, note or card (I'm good at those.) Talk it out. Via phone or in person, alone, or during class. Show it. Hug them, kiss them, or send them a gift. A picture, a flower, a treat. From near or far. Show them the opposite of judgement. Acceptance and love. There is enough to go around. I come back to this thought often.
There are pros to being someone who feels every emotion so deeply. On one side, and very simply put; when it's good, it's so good. It's an abundance of love, happiness, joy. The euphoria is unparalleled. But on the other side; having gone through the moments of despair, physical and mental suffering, one gains a sense unique strength + resilience. And with that, they can conquer anything.