Sometimes, who am I kidding, all the time I tend to want to be in control. It's more than a want, its a need. I don't have trust that things will go the way I want them to, so I control what I can, in order to make life happen the way I want. I have realized recently that this has a lot to do with my childhood. Side note: I have an amazing family that I wouldn't trade for the world. I grew up with love, happiness and fun being the main goal everyday. I am lucky for that. I would do anything for them, and I am fortunate enough to still have all of my siblings and both parents by my side.
That said, growing up in an environment that wasn't always stable forced me to take control of anything and everything I could. It forced me to cling on to things, feelings and places because I knew at some point they would be ripped away from me. I wasn't aware of this need, it always just manifested in my life. It began with the need to do well in school, so I came home everyday and finished my homework right off the bat. As I grew, it was the need to do well in sports, so I stayed active. I planned out my days in order to stay in control of everything. I wanted to control the outcome, so I did. And as life went on, my habit to control as much as I could around me went with me wherever I roamed. To this day I find myself needing control. I plan out my days, and I worry about them not going as planned. Subconsciously I think that the child in me wonders when it will all be ripped away again. So, again, I stay in control and I do whatever I can to make sure that never happens.
This need for control has both helped me and hindered me in my life. It has forced me to be the best at anything and everything I set my mind to. It has also forced me to hold on to old feelings that no longer serve me for the best. This control helps me on a daily basis to get things done, but it also fills me with sometimes overwhelming bouts of anxiety. I am happy to say that as I grow, I am learning more and more how to let go. And I think, for me, letting go will always be the hardest part of life. I am so sad to see people, places and things go. I always hold on, even if the rope is burning my hands raw. I will hold on in fear that in letting go, I will lose that person, place or thing forever. One of the most important things I have learned is that this whole life is about acceptance and letting go. It's about allowing yourself to move forward and trust the unplanned outcome, especially when it is in your best interest (because usually, it is.) And in the moments where it feels like it isn't, it still is. No matter what, letting go and trusting your gut will be a learning experience. There isn't ever going to be a time where everything goes as planned, where life always works out in your favor. Realizing that there is something, or someone greater in charge, allows you to live a life without fear, worry, doubts, control.
At the end of the day, I have been to many countries, I have met many people. I have lived in two places halfway across the world and the one thing I learned about those I have met is that we all are just living our story. We are living the way we were conditioned. Generally, If we didn't feel safe as a child, we live in fear as adults. If we didn't feel secure, we live with anxiety. If we didn't feel loved, we lack the ability to fully express ourselves in love. We all have gone through something, no one has been conditioned perfectly. It's learning from this conditioning and either allowing your past to control you, or accepting yourself fully for who you are, and your past for what it was. If we don't look into our past, and analyze and accept the good and the bad, we will be stuck living from it forever.
I don't write this to gain sympathy, or be a victim to my conditioning. Everyday I am grateful for what I had and what I have. I write this because of a few reasons. One is that I love to write, getting things out of my head and on paper releases some of the never ending everyday thoughts I have buzzing in my head. Two is that it is absolutely beautiful to be able to be open about something so personal with others. The ability to express myself and my emotions hasn't always come easy, but I am fortunate enough to understand that this is an important part of life; communication on all levels. And three: maybe someone somewhere will read this and learn something from it. Or they won't feel alone in their struggle to always be in control. Maybe they will learn, like I am, to let go and let whatever is meant to happen, happen.